Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Randomize
