Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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