"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
