if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican