guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
well you can't waste a boner
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.