walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.