She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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