He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
