I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
