honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
