I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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