If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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