I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Randomize
