I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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