So drunk its hurt
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
