ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
