One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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