So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
