We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
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She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
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I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower