if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
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I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
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If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised