I'd wear matching sweaters with you
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.