He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Two words: blizzard sex
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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