He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
