when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
