My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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