After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
