Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
