i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
where am i from again
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
