So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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