so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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