It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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