Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
