she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
