At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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