I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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