If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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