Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just high enough for therapy.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
