Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
