is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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