I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
FUCK WHALES
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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