did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
