Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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