Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
