Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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