Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
