I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
