either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
