My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Someone shattered a urinal.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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