I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
