On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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