I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting married
To pizza
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Come on in and take your pants off
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