I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
