I wish I only lived at night.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
