I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
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So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
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They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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