unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
