Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have already put on my inside pants.
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