Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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