be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
