and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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