Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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