Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
