Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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