Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Randomize
