We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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