awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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