Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
