i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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